


Like I Mean It

by thesunsaid



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, F/F, Kissing, spoilers for c2 episode 89: Lingering Wounds, very brief mention of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22045354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesunsaid/pseuds/thesunsaid
Summary: Jester gets a little advice about Beau from the Traveler.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 2
Kudos: 131
Collections: Critmas Exchange 2019





	Like I Mean It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NotusLethe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotusLethe/gifts).



She'd thought after she'd talked to Beau about it, that after she'd apologized, the worry inside her would disappear. Beau had said it was okay and usually, if Beau said it, Jester believed her.

She wanted to believe that it was okay.

But then she'd told Beau about the messages she'd been sending to Beau's dad. Beau hadn't thought it was funny like she did. Beau was her friend. Jester didn't like thinking that maybe Beau was disappointed in her now. Like maybe she couldn't trust her with things. Beau was the only one of her friends in the Mighty Nein that had proudly said she loved Jester, even when no one was around and when it felt like it meant something.

That was a while ago though. They hadn't been pirates again in some time.

She loved her friends that sometimes it hurt. It hurt to watch them fight when she couldn't be near all of them all the time. It hurt to watch them hurt, whether it was Beau going down in a fight, Caduceus being swallowed, Caleb losing focus in a blaze of his own magic, Fjord looking everywhere else for validation, Nott having to leave her family, Yasha… just all the time. It hurt when they didn't trust her, when they didn't listen and brushed aside her ideas like she couldn't be smart too. She wanted to be happy when they were happy.

She'd thought messing with Beau's dad would make Beau happy. She'd thought it would make up for not being there when Beau was wounded and had needed her.

"Traveler, did I mess it up?" she says. She's sitting in the center of her bed, legs crossed, green cloak pulled over her shoulders. There's warmth there and it tingles over her arms and collarbone a new, fluttery feeling along the lines of her tattoo.

The soft feeling of the Traveler's hands wipes away her tears. "No, no. Hush."

She feels the bed shift as the weight of him settles next to her. She cracks one eye a tiny amount until she's sure he's really, really there.

"No?" She leans her forehead against his shoulder. "I feel like I can't get it right. Like I'm always doing it wrong."

She feels him chuckle as the sound of it tickles her ears. He brushes aside her hair and runs a finger along the closest of her curling horns. "Oh, Jester. You've tied yourself in knots over these friends of yours."

She opens her mouth and then closes it in a heaving breath. "I just want them to like me. I want to do it right."

"They adore you,  _ almost _ as much as I do. Believe me?"

Jester sits back and looks up at her first and bestest friend in all the world. He's smiling and she scrubs her hands over her cheeks and eyes to wipe away the rest of her tears. She bites her lip, thinking over her conversation with Beau, about the messages to Beau's dad, about the note she and Nott sent to Astrid, how maybe it's too much.

She sighs. "Okay, so I know I'm supposed to like make people laugh, right?" Eyes still bright with tears she chuckles, "And draw dicks everywhere I can. I change shop signs and I doodle in books in all those libraries and I buy pastries for my friends and I--"

"Yes, Jester, I know. I'm never far, remember?"

"I know. Okay, but like maybe this time with Beau's dad… I thought it would be funny and that she might not be mad at me for not getting to her in time. She almost  _ diiiied,  _ Traveler. I don't want Beau to die, you know?"

"I do." The Traveler nods and cups her cheeks in his hands. "Your Beauregard, I think she's very lucky to have a friend like you, Jester."

"I think--" Jester leans forward and lowers her voice. "I think I really like her, Traveler. Like, I maybe… a lot. Like not as much as you of course, but like maybe--"

"Is that so?"

"I mean, did you know that she said she loved me? Once. It was a long time ago now and we were pirates then and I think she just meant it as friends, but I kind of have been thinking about it a lot lately. I think maybe I meant it just as friends back then too…."

"But not anymore?"

Jester sits up straight and the Traveler drops his hands to hers, fingers squeezing gently. Jester chews the inside of her cheek for a moment, lost in thought before shaking her head.

"Not just like that." She nods. "Not anymore."

"Then maybe you don't need my help with this particular question, Jester." He smiles and even though she can still see his face, she's still looking right at him, he's fading. He's quietly and slowly fading out of her view until the bed shifts and then it's just his smile there in midair before he's gone altogether.

"Thank you anyway though, you know. Thank you, Traveler."

She feels the breeze through her hair and a quiet flutter over her tattoo and then she knows he's really gone for good. Jester grins and blinks a few times. She leans back onto her bed and sends a message downstairs to where she left Beau.

"Hey Beau, ummm, it's me, Jester. You know, I was wondering if maybe you would want to come up to my room. I was just--" she continues with another spell "--you know, I was talking to the Traveler and well, I was thinking maybe I should talk to you again. There's maybe something else I--"

" _ Yeah, Jes, I'll be right up. _ " Beau says in her head. And it's kind of nice, having Beau's head echoing around in there and she's grinning at it still she hears Beau's knock on the door a moment later. Beau opens the door without waiting long enough for a real reply.

"What's up? You okay?" Beau's face is flushed and she's still carrying her tankard from downstairs.

Jester scoots on the bed, making enough room for Beau to sit down next to her.

Beau closes the door with a tiny backwards kick before making her way across the room. She pulls her legs up onto the bed, and rests her arms on her knees, tankard between her legs.

"I didn't get your whole message, 'cause like you started sending another one before I'd even had a chance to reply to the first one I guess so I was talking and then you were talking… I think I heard you say something about the Traveler?"

Jester smiles and puts her hands on Beau's knee, leaning forward conspiratorially. "Yes, he was here, Beau. He sat right there." She points to the side of the bed just behind where Beau has taken up residence.

Beau looks around. "Oh yeah? Where'd he go?"

"Well he said some very nice things about you, Beau and then he told me I probably didn't really need him to tell me something I already knew… Or I think that's what he meant. And I wanted to talk to you."

Beau nods, hesitant as she follows Jester's words. "You wanted to talk to me about something else? Something you didn't say before?"

Jester's forehead creases, but she nods. "Something I have said before, but it's been a long time and I think it means something different now so I want to say it again."

"Um." Beau nods slowly. "Okay."

She wishes the Traveler was still beside her. She wishes he could squeeze her hand and tell her that this was okay. That he really, really meant it when he said that her friends were lucky to have her. That they liked her. That he thought telling Beau this would be okay.

"What, Jes? You're making me nervous getting quiet like that."

"I'm sorry," Jester says. "I don't want to make you nervous, Beau. I don't want you to be mad at me or disappointed in me, or to think I would do anything to hurt you. I love you. And not just like on the ship when we were pirates. Like now, like a lot, like I don't want to not share a room with you, or a bed, or the blanket's in Caleb's bubble." Jester can feel the way her voice has gotten high and shaky and her hands knit over themselves in her lap as she rambles her way through what she wants to say.

"Wait… what?" Beau is looking at her seriously now, studying her, leaning in and listening with her whole body.

She didn't mean to, but she barreled right past the point, Jester realizes. She giggles, energy forcing itself out of her. She's already said it, so saying it again is easy. "I love you, Beau."

"Uh, okay--"

"No, Beau," she shakes her head and smiles big, getting Beau to focus on her. "I mean it. Like I really do. That's what I was talking to the Traveler about."

"About me? That you love me?" Beau's eyes aren't focused, like she's reading a book somewhere behind Jester's head.

Jester sits up on her knees and inches closer to her friend. "Beau, are you okay?"

"Um. I'm--yeah, I'm great. I mean, you know I love you, Jes. I've always got your back."

"That's not what I mean, Beau. I mean…" she sighs. "This isn't a joke. Not like friends, I mean, I am your friend and I do love you that way, but that's not what I meant."

Jester sits back on her heels and looks at Beau. Beau stares at her in a strange unblinking kind of way, before taking a swig from her tankard.

Jester frowns. "I'm sorry Beau, should I not have told you? Did I mess it up again?"

Beau blinks and shakes her head a little. Then again. "No, no. Um. Oh god. Jester. I just-- you surprised me. I was honestly still trying to hear it all in my head again, you said it all so fast and I wasn't even sure I was hearing you right." She sighs. Her head bows and her voice gets quiet and toneless. "I was afraid of hearing you wrong. That I'd imagined it."

"I scared you? I didn't mean to, I thought it was supposed to be happy? I want you to be happy, Beau. If you don’t feel the same way, that's okay." Already, Jester was unfolding herself from the bed, finding a smile in her pocket to fix in place so she could leave the room without coming apart.

"I do though, Jes. Jester." Beau grabs her wrist. "I love you, too. Actually, god, so much."

"You do?" Jester meets her eyes, trying to breathe back and hold in the tears.

"I really fucking do."

Beau pulls her in, both arms around Jester's waist and she's up on her knees to put her forehead against Jester's. Jester's grin is contagious, spreading across her own face as she presses in for a kiss. It's little at first, a chaste kiss, tentative and sweet and something Beau hasn't done in she doesn't know how long. But she wants to be careful with Jester, she wants to guard this woman from everything, including herself.

It's Jester who presses for more, whose lips open for a full kiss, sharp unpracticed edges of her fangs nicking Beau's lips. Beau swipes away the tang of blood with her tongue and grins, letting Jester lead the kiss where she wants. Back onto the bed, deep and slow and full of sweet giggles and eager smiles.


End file.
